Navigating Expat Grief & Rediscovering Yourself: The Untold Story of Supporting Spouses

Embarking on the expatriate journey is like setting sail on an adventure, and for spouses of working expats or diplomats, it involves navigating uncharted waters – blending professional shifts with emotional transformations. 

Narrated through the lens of a diplomatic spouse, this article unravels the intricate tapestry of career transitions and the emotional landscape, offering personal stories to illustrate lessons learned.

Please Note: These are my personal views and stories. I do not speak on behalf of any organization or government. Do your own research, as each country and personal situation is unique. 

The Odyssey of a Supporting Spouse

Being a supporting spouse, often called a “trailing spouse” or “eligible family member (EFM),” has so many benefits, but also comes with an immense amount of challenges and sacrifices. 

It’s not just about adjusting to a new culture; it’s about relinquishing one’s professional identity to champion a loved one’s dreams. 

Let me share a little of my story, and stories I have heard from others – an odyssey marked by the dual challenges of career restrictions and the emotional toll of continuously starting over.

From COO to Trophy Husband

Before we joined diplomatic life, I was the co-founder of a growing financial education company. We had 15 team members spread all over the United States and a few freelancers abroad. We had just completed our first round of funding and we managed to survive, and eventually grow, during the COVID-19 epidemic. 

Language training was a requirement for my wife’s new position, so we had nearly a year’s notice that we would be moving to the other side of the world, a luxury not always given to expats and diplomats. 

My role, as the Chief Operating Officer, required daily interactions with my team and was a very high-touch position. Even with a great team, there was no way for us to survive a 10+ hour time difference. Not if I wanted to also be an active member of my family and enjoy the expat lifestyle. 

The company attempted, for 2 months, to make it work without my involvement. But the mission had gotten overly complicated and the team was stressed. Eventually, we all decided it was best to close the company and walk away. 

Nearly 10 years of my life had gone into that business. Following my wife’s dream meant I had to lay off people who were amazing at their jobs and whom I had come to think of as friends more than employees and put my dream aside. 

Now, I am the supporting spouse for our family. I, jokingly, refer to myself as the trophy husband. I spend my time volunteering at my daughter’s school, attending all of her school events, managing our household staff and social calendars, booking travel, and pursuing activities that give me joy – writing, drawing, music, reading, and exercise.

As it turned out, many of the skills I used as a COO have been imperative to take on the role of supporting spouse. I have a lot more time to explore the world, engage with locals, and make sure that we are excelling abroad.

Navigating Professional Hurdles Abroad: A Tale of Bureaucracy and Emotional Resilience

Trying to bring your career with you abroad can be extremely challenging, if not impossible.

Embarking on an expatriate journey often means confronting a maze of professional hurdles, where the intricacies of bilateral or defacto work agreements and the labyrinth of work visas can become defining chapters in an expat spouse’s story. 

Bureaucratic Red Tape:

My friend, let’s call her Rachael, is a skilled graphic designer and was excitedly anticipating her move abroad with her spouse. In her quest to continue her career, Rachael encountered the intricacies of bilateral work agreements between her home country and her host country. 

These agreements, while intended to facilitate cross-border employment, often present unforeseen obstacles—varying professional qualification recognition, language proficiency requirements, and the need to navigate a different set of industry standards.

Every country’s agreements are different and it is worth researching the terms between your passport country and the country you are moving to. Many won’t allow spouses to work in the local economy at all, but 100% remote jobs may be fine. 

Rachael’s journey to secure a work visa unfolds as a saga of paperwork and legal nuances. The bureaucratic tapestry becomes a challenge to unravel, and the emotional toll is palpable. The uncertainty of visa approval, coupled with the fear of professional stagnation, adds layers of stress to an already intricate process. It’s not just about obtaining a stamp on a passport; it’s about preserving professional identity amid bureaucratic uncertainties.

Another friend, we’ll call him Marty, was a nurse in the United States. He has a Master’s degree in nursing and multiple undergraduate degrees and has worked in the emergency medical field for over a decade. 

The embassy where his wife was working has a small medical team built in for the community – including a “diplomatic doctor,” a local nurse, and a locally hired assistant. The local team provides consistency and institutional knowledge as the diplomatic staff rotate periodically. 

Despite Marty’s willingness to work, and even to take a pay cut, he was unable to put his skills to use. The bilateral work agreements in place meant he couldn’t work in the local economy, and his qualifications and licenses didn’t apply in the new country. 

The work agreements for diplomatic spouses are different than for a typical expat – but still come with its own set of bureaucratic intricacies and challenges. Marty was able to apply and get an EFM job at the embassy – a job he does not enjoy – an overly frustrating experience that is causing depression and grief. 

Rachael and Marty’s stories are by no means unique. I hear variations of these stories often and can empathize. But, what can we do to help improve the situation?

Emotional Landscape: Grieving and Rediscovery

The emotional journey of expat spouses is often not talked about as openly as the challenges of professional life. But, saying goodbye to a career, social circles, and the familiar can invoke a sense of grief and loss that requires us to develop emotional resilience and rediscovery. 

Grief and Loss: Navigating the Emotional Seas

I was fortunate enough to go on a trip with a former employee and friend recently. As we walked through the beautiful Himalayan mountains he asked me, “So, what is your new purpose?” Taken aback, and a bit out of breath, I took a minute to stop and contemplate. 

Previously I would’ve answered, “I am a husband, a father, an educator, and an entrepreneur.” I am sure I would’ve tried to say more meaningful things about trying to make the world a better place, but in the context of our conversation, this would’ve been my answer. 

The fact is, I still see myself in all of those areas, except I am not. I chose to answer, “A husband, father, and person in rediscovery.” 

I know that leaving behind a career doesn’t change my purpose, but it wasn’t just a job for me. It was a part of my identity that I had to bid farewell to.

I can tell you that standing in my office on the last day, a box of my belongings sitting by the door, I felt a mix of nostalgia and anticipation. Acknowledging the loss was my first step toward healing.

I will never forget looking in the rearview mirror as we headed to the airport. My hometown was behind me and I thought, how poetic this moment was. Everything I had ever known was now in the rearview mirror and the future was forward and coming quickly. 

Research in the field of expatriate psychology backs up my experience. It suggests that the loss of a career and professional identity can trigger feelings of purposelessness, isolation, and even depression.

Dr. Pauline Boss, a pioneer in family stress and loss, identified the grief experienced by expats as a form of disenfranchised grief. Her seminal work, Ambiguous Loss, states that the pain of loss—of familiar routines, cherished connections, and established identities—goes unrecognized and unacknowledged by societal norms. This lack of validation can intensify the emotional turmoil, leaving expats grappling with a complex inner landscape.

In the context of expat grief, finding that “why”—a sense of purpose beyond the immediate losses—becomes crucial. Research suggests that career transitions, particularly the loss of professional networks and identities, contribute significantly to this grief. Unlike the linear stages of traditional grief models, expat grief often spirals, mirroring the cyclical nature of expat life characterized by constant arrivals and departures. 

Studies have established a strong correlation between unresolved grief and heightened anxiety, depression, and adjustment disorders.

Unlike traditional grief models, expat grief often unfolds in stages less linear than the conventional Kübler-Ross model, influenced by the cyclical nature of transitions inherent in expat life. 

Coping Strategies: Building Emotional Resilience

We arrived, excited, about our new expat life. The honeymoon stage was in full effect. But, the first weekend, we went to a community welcoming event – another benefit of diplomatic life, a built-in community – and got to meet some of the families that were leaving. 

They were full of cynicism and frustration after their experiences here. Granted, we arrived just as the world was fully reopening after COVID. These families had spent 2-3 years living in a foreign country away from their families during a global pandemic. Grain of salt. 

Following Sverre Lysgaard’s U-model of Culture Shock (1955), we began to get overwhelmed and the feelings of grief began to return as my wife fell into her routine and I was left at home to navigate the unpacking of boxes, decorating, and the hiring process for our household help. 

After a month at home with me, our daughter started at her new school. Needing to get out of the house, I went with her and spent a week sitting in the cafe. I volunteered for events, and roles in the school, and took advantage of everything I could. 

This was when I began to transition from the bottom of the U – Sverre Lysgaard refers to this as the Culture Shock area, but I would say mild depression was setting in – and into finding my way to cope. 

Your path from the bottom may be harder to find, but I assure you it is there if you can convince yourself to search. 

There are ways to navigate those waves and come out stronger on the other side. Let’s talk about some strategies that have helped others and might just help you too:

1. Feel the Feels:

First things first, give yourself permission to feel however you do. This isn’t about bottling things up. 

Embrace the sadness, the frustration, even the anger. Ignoring them only makes them grow louder.

But aim to do so in as positive a way as you can. Remember, your spouse and family are going through many of the same things and everyone deserves the ability to feel their feelings. 

2. Talk it Out:

Have a dedicated night with your spouse where you check in and talk about all of the feelings that you have had in the last few days. I know it sounds touchy-feely, but the fact is you all need it. 

Life abroad can get overwhelming and making time to acknowledge it, share it, and discuss it helps. Try to end on a positive note, with gratitude or something you are looking forward to in the week to come. 

Sometimes, you may need more help than a spouse or friend can provide. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to seek out a licensed therapist who can provide a safe space to explore your emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms. 

Don’t underestimate the power of saying things out loud.

3. Find Your Tribe:

Moving abroad can feel isolating. That’s why building a support network is crucial. Join expat groups, connect with locals, or even find an online community of people who understand what you’re going through. 

Remember, Brene Brown’s words: “Connection is why we are here.” So, reach out and connect.

Also, these people are going through the same wave of emotions as you and dealing with the loss of their careers and more. Share with them and you will be surprised at the depth of conversations you can have and the friendships that will develop from them, 

4. Keep Your Roots Alive:

This may not relate to leaving behind your career, but revisiting your past can help bring you closer to your present and future. 

Just because you’re miles away doesn’t mean you have to lose touch with your home culture. Celebrate traditions, cook familiar meals, or connect with loved ones back home. Remember, holding onto a piece of who you were can help you feel grounded in this new adventure. 

5. Rediscover Your Passions:

What did you love doing before the move? Was it writing, painting, coding, or something else entirely? Dust off those old hobbies and rediscover the joy they bring. 

Join local workshops, and online communities, or even start your own creative project. Volunteer at a school, orphanage, animal rescue…

Remember, your passions can be a source of immense fulfillment and personal growth.

6. Unleash Your Inner Author or Artist:

Have a story to tell or a creative vision burning within? Now’s the perfect time to express it! Write that novel, start a blog, or delve into the world of visual art. The expat experience itself can be a rich source of inspiration, offering unique perspectives and stories waiting to be shared. 

Many expats write about their experiences (example A). Don’t be afraid, you have more to share than you realize. If you’re interested in sharing your experience here, please reach out. 

Remember, your creativity has the power to connect you with others and leave a lasting impact.

7. See the Silver Lining:

Find your “why” in this experience. Maybe it’s learning a new language, learning how to cook the local cuisine, exploring a new passion, or simply growing as a person.

Never stop learning! Take online courses to upgrade your skills, pursue a new language, or simply explore topics that pique your curiosity. 

Educational platforms like Coursera and Udemy offer a vast array of courses, many at your own pace and budget. Investing in yourself is always a worthwhile endeavor.

Looking for the positive can shift your perspective and make the challenges feel less daunting.

Financially speaking, many supporting spouses don’t have to work. Which can take the stress out of having to do something to earn money. If that is you, consider yourself lucky, and pursue something for fun. 

8. Take Care of Yourself:

This journey might be tough, but you deserve to feel good. Make self-care a non-negotiable.

Whether it’s exercise, meditation, or simply reading a good book, find activities that nourish your body and soul. 

Make sure to fill each of your emotional buckets. Do something for yourself that is creative, social, physical, and/or mentally stimulating. If any of these buckets is left empty you will not show up for others the way you want to. 

9. Be Patient:

Remember, adjusting to a new life takes time. Don’t beat yourself up if you stumble and fall (or have a full-blown meltdown in the grocery store). Be kind to yourself, celebrate small wins, and trust that eventually, things will click.

Navigating expat grief is a unique journey, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. But with these strategies as your compass, you can weather the emotional storms and emerge stronger, more resilient, and ready to embrace the amazing adventure that awaits you on the other side.

Conclusion: Beyond Sacrifices, Towards Shared Triumph

Being a supporting spouse in the expat community is an intricate dance, demanding resilience, resourcefulness, and a deep well of self-compassion. But remember, you are not alone.

By fostering open communication, prioritizing self-care, and reframing your perspective, you can navigate the challenges and carve out a path to personal fulfillment that enriches your life and your partnership. Celebrate your unique contributions, embrace the opportunities for personal growth, and remember that your journey, while intertwined with your partner’s, is ultimately your own.

So, step forth with confidence, explore uncharted territories, and create a life abroad that’s not just successful, but triumphantly YOURS.